Cleaning out Barb's mind

Sunday, July 6, 2003 06:36 p.m.

Greetings! ah its summer! I was so excited for it to come and now its here..which is great and exciting, but i kinda feel like there is something I should be doing, that I am not?? Maybe b/c last summer was soo great! Last summer, I went to Seattle!! with one of my best friends (and stayed with my uncle)--(and this year I don't think I am going anywhere), I hung out with my 2 best buds like every day!! and we (i mean I ..lol) picked up dead fish, met larry the hot pizza hut guy, six flags (lol remember when i swore and got yelled at by that parent), matt, pat, hot don, funny greg, helping at st.helens, the theatre, etc..and well this summer has been fun..I have a nice boyfriend,we all went to the pool, i want to go back to six flags, I am back at the theatre,I have my buds (love ya girls!), i am trying (its so boring) to do my summer reading, maybe the thing missing is volunteering(i'll think about that--if anyone has any ideas--email me)..and maybe i will go back to marcs afterall--its not that fun but its ok i guess--i like being a cashier and its money!I have my cousins wedding which will be fun--, i am preparing for college which will be busy!! I am thinking maybe i need some goals..like i remember i was busy trying to learn how to drive,I was working on my college essay, trying to find a guy, trying to get my service hours done, getting ready to go to south carolina, trying to find a job, trying to find/get into a college, going on college visits, going to florida..I just feel like at the moment there is nothing I really need/want?? I am pretty happy..i used to be so completly and totally depressed, thank God that is no more!I guess I will just enjoy this peace before college and be thankful for all I have and if an opportunity comes up I will take it! I am just thankful all worked out with graduation etc..and getting into jcu :)I guess maybe i can exercise more, or try to eat better, or try to be more helpful at home, or stop writing so many lists, try to be neater, or something, i can call my old freinds, re-take up golf maybe?/ something we'll see ok "to me life is not about grades, money, status, power, your job title, where you live, your stuff, your education, or anything like that..to me life is about your family and friends..keep the old..and make new!!.." "life is a bowl of cherries, try to avoid the pits and make life as fun and sweet as possible" "in all this madness don't forget to help someone or with something..you need somethings to tell God you did when you die, or He is going to be real pissed off" "love will keep us together, love will keep us alive, love is all you need, love is everything" peace out love barbara "lean on me when your not strong and i'll be your freind and i'll help you carry on for it won't be long till i am going to need someone to lean on"

Friday, June 6, 2003 12:55 p.m.

MONIA--hope finals went well..um i am going to dinner with my parents on sunday not today--so maybe we can go see Janet tonight--b/c i need to stop lying on my floor listening to Boyz to Mens-"End of the Road"..b/c this is getting out of control..thanks Bud :)thanks for everything!!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2003 06:45 p.m.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT LOVE ANYMORE!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003 02:42 p.m.

In the still of the night, when all the kaos is over..and you look around..you just think, "what the heck?." For once in my life all is still, and there are so many questions and so much I don't have..but I am happy :)I guess in life there are always 100 things wrong and a 100 things we don't have but to accept that and love life still..is the answer. I have learned so much and grown so much in the past year. I am no longer the same person (thank you to someone..you know who you are:)I know think I am ok..and see while I have my bad points I also have my good. I know in life their will be challenges and hardships, but I am excited about the future anyway. Right now a few aspects of my life are perfect and some are a complete disaster--but its ok b/c I feel like I am figuring out who I am (and maybe I am not that bad). I realize I am not stupid like I always kinda thought, but that I just think outside the box and a bit differently (but that in my own way I am kinda smart)And I used to think I was not as good as some other people and I realize I am just different (and good and even better in my way and their better in their way). I also see that each of us blesses the world in our way with our gifts--which are different and being the best me is better then being a knockoff of someone else. I also kinda feel like in my own way--I am kinda pretty (not drop dead gorgeous--but thats not my gift)--but beauty fades and what I have inside never will. I have also learned love is about what is real and inside--b/c all the outside stuff will fade and all that will be left will be the inside stuff. I have learned that I do not want to be critized and hurt by love--but lifted up by it (and that I like every human deserves that). I have learned to be honest and real with myself and others--its hard but worth it b/c in this life--I have me and I need to find out who that is and be that. I think I have found out some of my gifts too--like I think I am not to bad at inspiring others, coming up with stories, metaphors and similies, I love to speak and communicate, I love to make people feel like they can do it and try to help them--believe in them--and try. I realize I have an artists spirit and a deep passion for artistic things and people. I know I want to make a difference in the world--and inspire people to greatness (that will be my greatness). Maybe I will write a book, and be a speaker or maybe I will work for a company and do presentations. I am looking forward to John Carroll, drama, service, work, the summer, graduation..all that. I have so much to be thankful for, I love my friends and family, I have a nice home, and great parents. Maybe I don't exactly fit into my class great,and maybe I have had a hard year and lost some people, and maybe I am not all the pretty, popular, thin, ambitious, or a stellar student or an extra cirricular star--but you what, its ok...I accept me and life..and with all thats wrong with my life and myself (like how I am selfish, self centered, lazy, jealous, egotistical, envious, hurtful at times and all that) and all thats wrong with the world(abuse, neglect, poverty, starvation,and all that)--for some reason--its ok..Love conquers all and brings peace and joy to all who believe in it."Love is some powerful shit, everyone should have it, never doubt its power-EVER--" "Feel helpless about changing the world--SHUT UP AND LOVE SOMEONE" THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! hope is the hatrack we hang our dreams on-- hang in there--your just an inch away--i swear--grab my hang, have faith, God will help you, trust me..:) p.s--i so have to fix all the things I let go and forgot while learning all this!!! (but this is what I have been doing for the past couple months)

Sunday, April 20, 2003 01:30 a.m.

Have you ever tried to move a mountain and realized that you were actually just breaking your back and the mountain was not moving--just to realize the mountain really was moving but since you were standing so close to it--you couldn't tell?? Have you ever looked at the scars on your hands and wanted to give up--just to realize that all this stress was doing more for you then the mountain? Have you ever not known how to move the mountain, only to realize the fact you wanted to move the mountain meant more then how you did it? Have you ever tried to move a mountain and taken a break, only to realize someone was MOVING IT BACK? Have you ever gotten so involved in moving the mountain, you forgot about your mountains--only to realize trying to move the other mountain seemed to be moving your mountain? Have you ever lost track of yourself? Have you ever questioned who you are and the future? Have you ever wondered how the fuck you got like this? Have you ever missed something or asked yourself if you did the right thing? Have you ever wanted to do it over? Have you ever wanted to just give up b/c it felt like to much? Have you ever not known how to say no? Have you ever been scared? Have you ever not knnown what the hell to do at all?

Wednesday, April 16, 2003 12:46 p.m.

A note to my dear friends: I am sorry for all your troubles--I hope things get better soon To Monia: hun, good luck with mom, math, cello, summer,your cell count and all :) Here for you always-- To chrissy:So sorry about all the new guy confusion, I will talk to you about that whole thing soon--(u know what i mean) and we will totally hang out over break :) To Jan--So sorry about your guy confusion :( and the tests--good luck with all :) Life can be hard..but at least your not the only one in the sinking boat..lol "Lean on me when your not strong and i'll be your strength and i'll help you carry on..for it won't be long till i'm gonna need somebody to lean on" hope is the hatrack you hang your dreams on-- love you all May peace love joy and happiness come your way-- ahhhh..gotta study for math...ahhh..just 2 weeks of school left!~ ahhh..gotta get so much done..ahhh..feel tired..ahhh..hope i am ok..ahh..just 1 day till break..yay!!!

Saturday, April 12, 2003 10:22 a.m.

When God created the world, he gave us all a job--and he gave us all good and bad points--things to make people hate us and things to make people love us. I am the sun, as much as I think I can make people want to come outside, to light up, to want to run, to want to play, to feel like they can do it, I can also burn them so badly that they decide to move to Anartica. For this I am sorry and I ask God, why would He give me the ability to shine and light and the ability to burn. At least in Anartica, you know what your getting. Why is my good point, also my bad? I think well maybe if I don't shine, I won't burn but I am supposed to shine and I love shinning, but it scares me. And I seem to end up always burning. But to my continents now, in the past and to come, you know all I want to do is light u up like a christmas tree--so I am working on changing this... Hope is the hatrack we hang our dreams on a saint is a sinner who never gives up When I die-I want them to say, "well she may not of had that many gifts,or talents and maybe she wasn't the prettiest or smartest thing but damm if she didn't get me to feel like I was the most talented, most beautiful, smartest person that has ever lived and b/c of that I became the most talented, most beautiful, smartest person that ever lived!" Lord help me to be your hands, and words--b/c alone I am nothing--just flawed and selfish but with You--I am everything! thanks:) peace out--love always --barbara---

Friday, April 11, 2003 11:13 a.m.

Hi to everyone-today is senior cut day and I am here b/c my very responsible, and caring mother is trying to hard to turn me into a more upstanding person (ok mom--whatever but thanks--i guess) She totally freaked out and we got into a fight and all but whatever--its fine now-she is coming home today, which I guess will be good. Its not so bad being here on cut day--there are like 15 of us and its pretty relaxing but I am soooo tired. It has been such an emotional week for me (someone knows what I am talking about). I feel so alive yet so dead at the same time. What are emotions and why do they excite us and yet rack havoc on us? I guess its just called being alive. Thanks for all I have God, for this day, for everyone in my life, for my gifts and talents, for love, for hope, for joy, for peace, for unaswered and answered prayers, for my friends and family and all :) Hope is the hatrack you hang your dreams on--never stop dreaming-persistance is the key to success peace and love Barbara

Tuesday, April 8, 2003 05:42 p.m.

If life a game? Well if it is, I am losing. I am 24 years old and work in the Metropolitan Museum of Art and am I am a tour guide. All day I take kids around and look at the breathe takingly beautiful art. One such piece always catches my eye. Its my favorite and anyone who knows me, has heard me talk about just how beautiful this piece is. In fact it is so beautiful, it leaves me depressed. I talk to my best friend,an artist, about this sometimes. I ask her why I don't get to be a beautiful painting and just sit on the walls--to be worshipped and loved. She looks me in the eye and says, "We all have our beauty, I create--and it hangs on the wall--, and some are paintings, we all have a job." Just then tears start to run down my cheeck, but what about my beauty? Will anyone ever love me? I have no gift for painting and creating beauty and I am certainly not a piece of art. She reaches for the tissue box, and goes to get a frame off my desk. I recognize the picture, its me and the 4th grade class from Highland Elementary. She points at it and says--"each one of those kids, were more moved by your beauty then by that painting". I sigh and say, "but that doesn't matter." She tries again (my best friend never gives up :) Barbara she says, God made each of us for a different purpose, the painting has no motivation to do anything, and if you were a painting neither would you and I create the art (that takes up my time and energy)--but you are like the worlds gift--they just can't see it. Right I say, no one will ever buy me. She laughs, I tell her that the curator told me that if I painted myself and pretended maybe someone wouldn't notice I wasn't real--and would buy me (that just made it worse!)I sighed and retreated to my office and turned on my anita baker CD-Love she swears is the answer. As if Anita was sitting right there, I said--yes but if I am not a painting no one will buy me to see I will bring them love. I am like a painting in a box, I quietly think to myself. I look out the window, its getting dark and I wish upon a star. God I whisper, please let someone take a moment to look inside me, because I swear I won't dissapoint them--I swear I will love them and bless them with all that I am. My gift is on the inside and I know it but God why did you have to make it so hard for me. Why did you have a to burden me with this..Here come back the tears flowing, pouring and running rampant. Lord, I say I see a world in pain, a world so blind--a world that swears I am nothing. I feel like nothing sometimes actually, so underappreciated, so full of mistakes,so lost and confused. Overwhelmed I sit on the floor of my office and stare at the photo--and think about my wonderful best friend--who swears there is more to me. I search and search, just then I hear the security alarm go on. I am alone now, alone just me. I decide to go and look at the painting, my favorite--the one that I love and doesn't love me back--and in the darkness I see it is so dead and empty and I am alive--but that doesn't matter. I sit on the bench in front of it--and stare. Then to my surprise my best friend, puts here hand on my shoulder and tells me its ok--and I say I hope so and she says she has to go b/c her boyfriend is making dinner--and they have the wedding planner meeting tonight. I smile and say of course..beauty I think--its the answer--the thing I need and lack. Its her art I think, as I sit all by my self alone in the quiet museum. I have lost and don't know how to win-- To be a non-comformist, just leaves you alone. I should just try to play by the rules and give all this up b/c I am out on a limb here. I can win my game, and I am damm good at it but I am the only one playing. But the real game--I suck at--I can't fake, I can't fight, I'm not cold enough, my ideas are too weird, my mind is like that of an alien--does anyone hear me? Does anyone understand? Do you? Were all faking, all acting, can someone just take a sec and just be real with me? Well if you are real with me,try to encourage me, loveme and try to understand me--thank you, it means the world to me :) Love you-- Peace out "Hope is the hatrack you hang your dreams on" Thank God for my gifts and for hope or I'd be shit out of luck-- --Barb --waiting for the rainbow (and thanking God for my shelter--you know who you are and how much I love you:)

Saturday, April 5, 2003 02:58 p.m.

omg, omg, omg..what the fuck is wrong with the world and everyone in it. We hide behind so much, we all just try to get through. Well I am so fucking angry, my soul hurts (is that possible). I am like a missionary, who went to africa, fell in love with the people and then woke up one day and realized--I was not helping them--but that I was beginning to die of starvation and Aids to. Its like hell, how do these people do it..its the worst thing ever. I want to leave but I am trapped here, and the strange thing is that I love it here. Tired, and weighing more (you know the unglamerous ed--people don't talk about this one or write about it), getting lines in my face, and reddness in my eyes, sacrificing myself for this (for what, what?) Why am I always sacrificing myself--why did I sign up for this..and what do i do now? I thought I could do this, but God I am seriously wondering. But I don't want to be alone or the angel who failed..But I am tired and I am drowning in tears. Its like trying to bring hope to the starving but there is no food in sight and I'm starting to despair. What happens when the angel starts to dought?? Once so full of hope was I but this is a bit much for my sweet but timid spirit. I am no angel just a timid, sheltered girl with a good heart and good intentions who makes a hundred mistakes and doesn't quite know how or what to do? Its like each day I realize just how bad this starvation and Aids epademic is here in Africa, and its bad and I know the saying goes..."ask for strength equal to your tasks not tasks equal to your strength" but still, still. And I know NO ONE ASKED FOR MY HELP and NO ONE EVEN CARES IF I GO OR STAY and NO ONE NEEDS ME..or so says the drug addict with a needle in his arm..and as the tears well up in my eyes--I wonder what to do. In this world everyone swears they don't need you or they try to possess you--and then swear you mean nothing. At night I think about my life and wonder what is going on? Once so lost, then found, and now lost again. I had a disease and cured it just to get one worse. But every food you eat has a disease and God knows I don't want to be without. How do I get myself into these situations, on sinking ships, in burning fires--oh wait I remember b/c I am too screwed up for the normal people and too normal for the screwed up people. As I walk past the living room I see my reasons (and do what my mother taught me along with my A, B, C'S--rationalize--it could of been you or whatever thoughts I was taught to have)..and the memories flood back along with anger..Why are we all so angry can we just move on. So easier said then done, as I feel my own anger. I don't know what to do but I know I don't want to get burned or drown but omg I can't just sit here and watch. I have to help b/c that is what I am supposed to do here in this world, God didn't just put me here for no reason (or maybe he did). I realize I am turning into someone I am related too--someone who gave there life to helping and well ended up--with just about nothing at all. But I tell her when she dies, God will be happy with her (or will He) Who knows? I live a hard life--so do we all. They say the sqeaky wheel gets the grease but I wonder? Can I do this God? Is this what I am supposed to do? Give me a sign, please? Ok so I am left with a few options: Run and realize i failed b/c I didn't try (and go against God--b/c my life is not my own), Stay and drown or stay and fix--well I am a fixer but this is a bit much.. Why am I so different, so weird, so well, me. I have a mansion, my dream, better then anything I could of ever asked for. But as I look at the stack of bills, I realize nothing in life is free. It looks easy from the windows, but inside its not. Beautiful, wonderful, and happy but not easy, I don't know what to do. But no one else really wants me, why I wonder? Or maybe I just haven't tried to be wanted? Who knows, but I feel so damm tired but I don't want to be rested and alone. Ok so I let the first go b/c I was being so hurt--and now its like similar but not direct--I am hurting myself. This is my life, my story. I am not complaning. I don't want to sound like a star who says "omg the money, fame and life is killing me" But honestly in my heart of hearts this is how I feel--worn out and scared--unlike anything I've known. I've known nothing so beautful and nothing so similar to hell. I feel like God sent me to the Projects of LA and said, "Good Luck". The people are so real, honest and loving--but there pain and despair runs so deep--it shocks and freezes me. I thank them for letting me into their lives b/c my own family kicked me out and I left the pretty house on the hill--b/c I got tired of playing servant but the funny thing is all of these places were not without there pain. And I know every person has there pain--whether they be rich, poor, from texas or New Zealand--all realatively. God all I can say is that if I am supposed to do this--I also need more strength, more answers and more inspiration. I don't want to be left with nothing in the end but I don't wan t to not try. I don't want to be alone but I don't want to live in pain. One part of me is a happy princess the other is a missionary--right now they are beating eachother up--kicking and screaming--"my way, no my way, no mine" The fighting, the lack of sleep, the running, the trying etc" They say you can't have your cake and eat it too, you can't have it all, you have to pick what you like--whats important to you" The thing is I don't know--all i do know is that I have never been this tired---but that I love you :) --hope is the hatrack you hang you dreams on --a kind women once told mother theresa that she had to stop and eat lunch or she would be no good to help at all --all the towns people once told mother theresa that she didn't need to be here and that she should just go home --a women asked a wise wizard--should I try to help one or should I try to help many and at what point will I get burned out? Complaining is just the soul learning and growing-- or at least I try to tell myself that --trying, asking and unsure and depressed --barbara--

Tuesday, April 1, 2003 03:14 p.m.

Ok so my mind looks something like Miami after hurricane Andrew--although there is no hurricane--I feel like I've been through one. I feel dead silence and like a lost strangler--homeless and unsure. As I wander the streets alone, I see the house I used to live in. Its beautiful, still standing and better then before--while on the other hand I am the homeless person...I failed, I lost--she won--There was a time when I swear I was winning and was going to win--but lol--guess the fuck not...I think about buying a house--hey or maybe even more than one-- but can't and don't know how to..I feel so lost, so depressed--so completely frozen in time..like everyone else is running but I can't even move my pinky toe..Look its raining again..no surprise the sun never stays shining for too long--change just happens. Will I ever live in that successful, nice and perfect neighborhood--maybe but even if I do--it won't last for more then 5 minutes--Who can I explain this too--the relator doesn't want to hear it--she says if you want a house or more than one house then just get dressed, take your car and go..easier said then done. Its hard work I do know. I watched that beautiful house go from some wood to well what it is today. Will I ever be able to do that? OR will the fear of failing keep me from trying--most likely the second. Fear, what would you do if you knew you could not fail? I like safety and comfort but as I sit in my cave I think of all that could be and all that could go wrong as well --so i just keep sitting. I feel like I am drowning but no one can tell, I feel like I am slipping but my hands are firmly holding on, I feel like I am dying but there is nothing wrong...I feel like I am spinning and when I stop I hope I am in a better place then I am now-- Hope is the hatrack we hang our dreams on--

Monday, March 31, 2003 08:03 p.m.

There once was an angel that fell out of the sky--she wasn't the same and the state of the world make her want to cry..She didn't fit in, she wasn't the same--she felt so sad--she didn't know what to do or say..Tears in her eyes, her heart in her hand...She covers her eyes with her hallow to avoid seeing the raised hands, the bruises, the bottles, the toliets, the twisted lust, the sick needs. She puts her wings over her ears to ease the sound of swearing, yelling and things breaking..What to do--she sits in the corner, a world to far gone to save..She asks God for advice, He says shes the angel and knows just what to do. But what is it, she despertately asks in frustration. She sees people with sadness heavier then the weight of our world, she sees souls so broken, bruised and damaged--it stings, she sees people so tired--there eyes bleed--but still they push on. Its the jungle down here--only the strong surive. Everyone seems to be out to screw eachother over, to give eachother as much pain as possible. Its survival of the fittest, its war. The angel can't stop crying..she is paralyzed. She watches the chaos from a top a tree. She can't figure out how to play the game forget about how to save those who aren't winning. She dreams of changing the game--but no one will listen to a lone voice of a docile angel in white. They say she knows nothing and maybe she doesn't-- and maybe she can't play your game and maybe sometimes she forgets how to play her own game but--she has pureness, sincerity, sweetness to give. It is being sold for free but no one is stopping by to buy any, no one seems to want any or know what to do with. The angel tries to step out into the jungle and almost gets bruised so she runs back to her tree and tries to look for a strangler. She needs someone to buy from her shop and someone to talk to her--they need her too (but no one knows this). We need eachother she shouts from the trees, peace is the answer, be kind, love eachother, you can do it, but no one seems to hear. Her words are like air--disappearing silently without a trace. The angel sits in the corner thinking--crying more--God dammit she screams--how the fuck did you let it get like this--Just then it starts to rain--as God's tears wash across the land--she hears something in the wind say, "I didn't do this". She takes a deep breathe alone, she spends another day alone wondering if she should learn to play the game--maybe then she wouldn't be so alone but what would taht change--NOTHING. Change is the answer she decides, but depression hangs over her hallow tipping it slightly but just then the sunlight beams across her tired eyes--and she envisions a world where love always wins, good prevails, God is the answer, faith is key, we all have enough to eat, we share our true selves, we go out of our ways, we think in terms of the big picture, money is something we need not want in excess, religion is a staple, war in all ways is no more, we talk adn communicate, we put our priorities in the things God will ask about not things we write on our tax form, that we will spend time with our kids not at our desk, that we will make our kids feel loved and directed, that bad neighborhoods will not be like war zones, that drugs will not rule parts of our world, that men will think before they raise their hands or another thing, that we will live by faith not fear, that gossip, vanity, jeaously and meaness--will be words we know nothing of, that anger, frustration--will be delt with in a heathy manner, that diease will not cause suffering, that life will be like a summer day--not a winter storm. Angels are idealist--they see what can be there..Martin Luther King Jr. was an angel--he had a dream..A dream is just a reality that hasn't occured yet. Pacience is the key to success (and of course persistance) Evils way of trying to stop angels is to overwhelm them--but if every angel would just do one little thing--the angels could win. They can't win if they don't try. Just then, a helper of the devil dressed as a person, gasped in fear, "had she figured out the secret--no". But she had--she had. She sorta smiled as she stared in awe at the immense task she had in front of her..she hoped there were some more angels in the jungle too. But for now she thanked her few customer for coming--and sat quitely in the corner thinking..and of course praying..Does anyone understand? Does anyone or will anyone ever love me? hope is the hatrack you hang your dreams on--

hey its me
Thursday, March 27, 2003 04:55 p.m.

Heres what on my mind.. Who remembers when Tiffany was all the rage? or when people couldn't get enough of MC Hammer? Can we even remember that? (I bet they can bearly remember that time) And what about the time before they were loved, adored, rich and famous?? When they were just struggling to get by, not thinking they were much at all..Well the funny thing is, for them its over now. The endless dollars, screaming fans and packed concert halls are now empty. Remember when "Can't Touch That" was "the song", well now no one wants "Hear that." Now these artists suffer from what I call "Dethronement." Once nothing, then made to believe they are everything, then they return to their orignal state--depressed and disillusioned--and looking to get that fake high (they thought was so real) once again. Is it better to never be anything--or to be something for only a little while? Its sorta like we always hear about the Harito Alger figures who go from rags to riches. However what about those who go from rags to richs and back to rags. Would the homeless man not be happier to have never had experienced the riches ever then to have then then have them be taken away--what hurts more? Is it better to experience the treasures of the world and to know what you are missing or to never see them at all?? They say it is better to of loved and lost then to never to of loved at all. It is true but to fall from grace, to fall from power, to lose your millions, to fall out of love--hurts. But the truth is in the end--we only have what we came with--ourselves and God. There will be times in life when we might be riding high--with Mr. Wonderful, or a top position with a 6 digit income, or with a 4.0 GPA, or beyond amazing friends and there will be times when we will be in a fight with everyone in our life, or will will fail at something, or we will be in a transition of some sort..Why does life have to be so full of valleys and mountains??? And sometimes you think you are climbing up a mountain and really you aren't..or sometimes you swear you are in a valley and really its just a cloud on the mountain--Life is like that I guess-- For so long I played servant to the princess and then I recieved some gifts--two wise prophets came to help me in the most unlikely forms--I looked for wings, or a sign but really i didn't need to look. I was a servant who asked for a fairy godmother and I got two. Really I see now the only difference between the servant and the princess are 1) attitude--the princess believes/knows that is who she is 2) the dress, the walk, the smile, the wave, the mannerisms and of course--a prince to validate the whole thing--Well one and two were brought to me by my two prophets and 3 was filled by an angel God lent me--but needed back. But when the servant becomes the princess at first they are excited--they think--i am free! I am wonderful, beautiful, admired, wanted..and you begin to feel a bit high--a bit drunk on your new sense of self worth. Your head begins to swell--and all a sudden your court realizes they have a new princess whos happy and they decide to go out and play tennis and garden and the princess is left on her own. On her throne she sits--as she sees all her court playing outside. However she saddly looks at her ball gown and longs for the days of being a court member everyone didn't know but thought they might like. Princeses I see are spoiled, obnoxious, superficial, selfcentered, uncaring, and well "princessy"..All I ever wanted to be was like the beautiful princess I spent so much time with--that I admired adn adored--I looked up to everyone like that too but I have learned its not the best--its not quite right. Its kinda like that movie "Bedazzled" Eliot kept getting exactly what he asked for but it wasn't quite right. This morning I was walking my dogs and I thought--I have gotten everything I have ever asked for and more--Just about a year and a half ago-if you would of told me what would happen I would not believe you..But I finally understand what my princess meant when she said "its not as perfect as you think it is"- It was like the runner telling the legless man--it wasn't the best..But now that I am running I see. I am by NO MEANS unappreciative--I owe my life to these three--(and God who gave them to me) I hope I do enought for them--they are my angels--I will try to give back and also to give to others. And I am glad I am not a servant (but you can be helpful without being a servant--I will learn--I will) anymore--but now that I have been both I think I just want to be a towns person but its going to take some real adjustment. Its like a star trying to become a normal person again--But maybe that is putting it too nicely maybe its like a state of denial--the star says they are trying to be normal again but the truth is just that no one wants to buy their CD anymore?? Who knows but today when I see the princess I feel anger but I also feel sympathy b/c I actually understand. But then I feel guilt, as I hope I am nothing like that. What is about us as people that makes us put people on petastals?? I wonder how she felt when I threw her off--a bit like this?? I wonder?? Well life is one big BIG irony!!!! Who would of ever thought??--certainly not me!!! And another funny thing is the princess thinks everyone loves them--but the truth is not that. Everyone loves the kind, helpful, quiet townspeople. The sad thing is all the townspeople want to be princesses and princes--they don't understand...But everyone still loves me I know it--maybe its just changing--but thankfully love will remain-- --Life its one step at a time, one foot in front of the other--sometimes you are singing in the sun with so many people and the next you are sitting alone in a dark corner but the next you are sitting by candle light with your one love--keep you eyes open and your heart ready and it will be ok :) Love you all GOD BLESS peace out!!!

Saturday, February 8, 2003 01:23 p.m.

Hey its me..Just had some thoughts I needed to share: If people are God's language, I want to speak... Some girls want manicures, pedicures and haircuts too, dresses, money and busines careers to boot.I just want to give my everything to each and every one of you. Why am I here I say? It popped into my head today. I want to be overworked, exhausted and doing for you. Inspiring, encouraging, pushing too. I will stand by your side, carry you when you fall. A child, a man, a woman too, three or four. Do you need a hand, a word or a line to shore. My arms are open my time is not for me. I just want to save you, won't you let me. One, two jobs aren't enough, I want every second filled..In what way, or how shall I do this, only time will tell... Well I was just thinking...thanks for listening :) cya Barbara

Hi, omg I remembered my pass#
Sunday, January 26, 2003 09:09 p.m.

Hey its Barb, Greetings!~Ahh, lets see, what is up with me? First off,oldies was this weekend and it was sooo fun. Taylor and I got along so well and had sooo much fun (I hope we can be friends :)I got to dance and hang out with my bestest buds,I got to see a guy who could quite possibly be called the mostsexual being on our planet, and I got to meet Greg. How nice, super great and wonderful :) I have been talking much on the phone with my a bestest bud (and our talks are never short of enlighting) I thank God for this person and I realize I am attached to their hip (LOL)What else, oh yes (I want a sexually radiative person of my own or at least a sweet guy, that opens doors, pulls out chairs and treats me like a princess) God, if you are reading this, please send me one. I will be pacient though, God gives many gifts that we should be thankful for (and I would say I am) but he gives them on His time (Hey He's God, He can do that) What else, oh yes college (I am waiting for my JCU results)--I WANT TO GO THERE!!!! Anyway, but I am still applying to Spring Hill. Ahh..My dad is in Las Vegas having fun, he will be home tommarrow. Beaumont day is tommarrow and that should be fun. Well I am off to edit my Spring Hill essay but I will update from now on.. ~May I wake up in the morning, and may every breathe be, for the one and only reason, to make a difference to thee.. cheers, love ya :) peace out--

to my bestest friends with love
Friday, November 1, 2002 10:29 p.m.

To my best friend Monia:) Dear Monia you are the one blessed with the gift for words but I will ask God for the words to convey my sincere gratitute for all you do for me each and every day. You watch over me every day--you wipe my tears, you calm my nerves,you make me laugh, you break my fall, you take away part of my sorrow and multiply my happiness, you understand me, you never judge,you listen more sincerely then anyone i've ever known, you teach me what a real friend is, you share your soul with me . In laymens terms..you buy math books and hilight them for me, you keep tabs on certain people for me, you send me the most beautiful emails/voicemails that make me feel loved, you tell me about my good side (and make me want to improve it), we talk for hours :) I just love being/talking with you, you are the best and we totally have parallel lives..we keep eachother going-- You are like an angel God gave to me, to make me feel loved..thanks for all u do..Love ya..Best Friends Forever :) p.s---Hang in there Bud..one day you'll see what a gem you really are :)because u really are like a diamond in a rock..your side to you, looks like rock but everyone else sees the shining diamond and one day you'll see it too..May God bless you and take care of you To my bestest Bud chrissy: You are sooo much fun..like a ray of light..i can't imagine our group without you..To you, I owe my life..you found Mo matt and even janet.You taught me how to have fun and be wild...You inspired our fun Halloween time..you suggested we be hookers..you made it ok to be out of control and i will hold all these cool memories in my heart forever..thank you.you taught me about makeup, flirting and hair..You are so sweet to me...You were my friend before I had anything at all..I remember math class, the coz (just you and me), Thanks for giving me a chance..:) Thank you for the fun sunmer with out you, the summer would not of been half as fun..Chrissy never doubt yourself..you have a gift to give people..its the gift of happiness, fun adn enjoyment of life and thanks for blessing me..:) :) To my newest bestest bud janet: I am so glad we bonded the other day..it is a harsh world out there and i know u have a great loving heart that has been beaten on many levels..a heart that is covered in negitive feelings..and i want u to know that "i did not just tell u that u have worth, that u are a good person, that you have a good heart, that its not right to be treated that way, that u can never be treated that way by any person again..those was not just words but the truth..that i ment with all my heart..and if i leave u no other gift when i go off to college..i hope to make u see those things and belive those things..I know your pain Janet, i don't know all the details..but i don't need to..Just know one day..some wonderful, kind and loving guy will marry you, remember the people in your life that love you,member the little good things in life, remember me, chrissy and mo, and if u ever need somewhere to reach..I will always be just a phone call/email away..i know were not that close..but maybe we'll get closer) but don't ever hestitate .."lean on me when your not strong and i'll be your friend..i'll help u carry on..for it won't be long till i'm gonna need somebody to lean on..if there is a load that u can't bear, i'm right up the road, i'll share your load, if u just call me" ---p.s halloween was soooooo great, special, fun..i'm soooo glad you were there..it just would not of been the same with out you..who else would of umm well u were there lol))) well i love all of you--thanks for blessing me your bestest bud barbara

my heart
Sunday, October 27, 2002 04:59 p.m.

Ok so its Sunday..whats in my heart well..heres some songs that express the different emotions about different people/situations best right at this moment 1) past-LeAnne Rimes (I need you) "I need you like water, like breathe, like rain" 2)past-Backstreet Boys (Like A Child) "Don't stop the sun from shining down on me, cause I can't face another day without your smile, and if you take away the loving arms that suround me, then I might break down and cry, just like a child" " what our love could be, if our hearts could set us free, just like a child" 3)past-LeAnne Rimes (How do I live without you) How do I ever, ever survive, How do I, oh howdo I breathe, without you, there'd be no sun in my sky, there would be no love in my life, there'd be no world left for me 4)past-LeAnne Rimes (Life Goes On) Oh Life goes on, and its really gonna make me strong, its a fact, gotta a feeling that I can't go back 5)present-Backstreet Boys (What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me) You don't run with the crowd, you go your own way.. I know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in, like this world doesn't see what you have with in..You don't know how you've touched my life..in so many ways..i just can't describe Well thats my heart..if you'd like the read all the lyrics..lyrics.com might help..anyway ok well back to life, back to my insecurities, worry etc..to my friends..i love you all so much..peace out..God Bless --barb--

thoughts
Thursday, October 24, 2002 01:52 p.m.

Sometimes life is good (sometimes you have a cool job, a sweet boyfriend, a great suregate family,a nice house, great parents, tons of fun times with great friends, you go to a nice private school, a good car, fun activities and its all good) And sometimes life is not so good (you arent spending time with that great family, your grounded, your family life is falling apart, your fighting to get that GPA you need for college, your stressing about college, you think what is wrong with me, you make mistakes, you worry, your bf is gone, your activities seem to be replaced by work or just seem to become boring, life is just life) Is Mrs. B writing down my grade and then changing it, if so..my mom will kill me..I was sad yesterday and mo was so kind to me..:)No one has ever been that helpful to me, ever :) I think maybe I need someone to love me, in the way matt did..i miss getting dressed up and being in a relationship. Should I call Greg..no thats not it..I don't know..I feel out of control, worried, lost..something. I am so glad to see mo and chrissy having so much fun..thats so good for them. I hope Janets ok..hope she is getting along with pat..she seemed sad today. And what about Dietzy, so I guess shes mad at me b/c i talk to much in stagecraft..ok sorry..i like talking..Anyway so I have exams (sorry i'm captain obvious) my wk. seems to be getting worse by the second..mon the day i thought might be fun, well I have to get some stagecraft hours on monday, might have to work, might have church activities, have to go to the museum. Ok so my mom has been nice, thats good, maybe she'll unground me soon..i guess I just miss summer b/c it was so great and now well besides my best friend who tries so hard to make me happy..and brighten my days..life well..its just boring and stressful..but anyway just want to tell my buds (chrissy and mo--have fun w/ bob and josh..i'll looove hearing about it :)Anyway its life..and it could be worse.. peace out..God help us all

chicago
Saturday, October 12, 2002 10:59 p.m.

greetings from Chicago...so what am I thinking about..i love my family there the best..my uncle john is soo funny...my aunt clare is my favorite...I am so thankful for all I have..I worry about the future..about success and college, if I'm a good person or not, the state ot the universe, whatever...but together, under God we all hang in there...yes we will Goodnight, peaceout..barb P.s--love yourself not b/c of what is good about you but b/c you are just you..

life
Thursday, October 10, 2002 09:41 p.m.

so besides having soooo much hmwk life is good..I got my pics back today..there so cute..made a frame for them..can't wait to show all!!! Life is so funny, one minute it sucks, the next it rocks! One thing is great, then one thing sucks..so is life..but all I can say is my friends r the best :)Fall fling was great..u guys make everyday better! hope to have a good time in chicago..see yall soon ----Barb----

reflecting
Tuesday, October 8, 2002 09:11 a.m.

ok so its ilt and i should be working but I am an artist at heart adn they need reflection time. First off I just finished talking w/ Mrs. Fairman about my college essay on 3rd grade and how everyone but my dad took care of me adn I didn't think I was that upset about it but she said to me that if I was I should talk to someone..weird..she said my 1st draft showed alot of anger but my second one had all the anger removed..weird..Anyway, so I have no car but its kinda cool in a way b/c my mom has decided I need her undivided help and attention (which I love) she is filling out all my forms, waking me up ontime, giving me advice and basically just doing my job..this is great (lol) but I know this weekend I am going to be bored but this is all for the best so I can focus and get into a good college..and I feel stupid getting dropped off and i'll be taking the bus soon --yuck it takes like 5 yrs to get me home..and lets see my stomache hurts..i told my mom i need to see a doctor b/c it always hurts..i hope mo's stomache is doing better..and today i am going to take my camera in..can't wait for pics..and this weekend we are going to chicago for my cousins baptism..it will be nice to get away and see the family..ahh but i have this big psy. paper to write and an english paper..yuck! oh well my mom will help me..she says she likes having me at home so she can watch over me and i like it too but i know i'll have to grow up at some point key word at "some point" and what about greg..i let my mom listen to his voicemail and she said "he is so in love w/ u" how flattering..but how do i feel, all i know is he is matts best friend and respect is key...and mo,we all love u (me, your mom, rory, your grandma, chrissy, janet, matt, your cousin el) just love yourself:) and the rest will fall into place :) (if only we could follow our own advice) so i vow to get back on the right path, to work hard, to love myself, to believe in myself and never to stray from my God given mission to make a difference in the world, one person at a time..thank u to all the people that love me each day...(mo, mom, janet, chrissy, julie, donna, michele, my grandma, even laura, my family and all my friends) God help us all..peace out..lov ya..:) Barbara

life sucks
Monday, October 7, 2002 01:14 p.m.

ok so I feel like shit..although I am happy donna and pat aren't mad..I am grounded for like 3-4 months, I have no car, I have to take the bus..I can't help feeling like I was manipulated, or used, or controlled or something..I feel like my friends made all my decisons for me..I cried all day Sunday..I guess I just wanted to have fun and wanted everyone to have fun and got lost in the moments...I am 18 and am seen as 18 but inside I am 16 so...but the dance was great!!!!!..I'm glad all my friends were there w/ dates..can't wait to get the pics..And I can't believe pat tricking me into that..I feel like such a bad, irresponsible person..how will i fix my life?? I guess I'm the only one that can..Life sucks..but I'll try to be thankful for all the good and know others have it worse..whatever...

Friday, October 4, 2002 09:04 p.m.

Ok so my mind is overflowing and going to explode..ok so fall fling..I am so excited to be going..dear God please let everything go ok..so I hope my shoes go w/ my dress, I hope the rides go ok, I hope the dates go ok, I hope I look ok, I hope its fun, I hope I don't lose my mind, Hpe all is ok w/ my friends..deep breathe..Ok so what else..work..hope Diane comes w/ the book of acting games..ahh..my stagecract project...ahhh..my psychology test...ahh..college...ok stress, stress but so thankful for it all.So I love my friends..happy late b-day mo, had so much fun at our little party...LIFE IS GOOD, LIFE IS GREAT, PLEASE GOD GIVE ME A HAND AND DON'T LET ME OR ANYONE MAKE A MISTAKE.. p.s jan thanks for letting us come to vargos ;) bye peace out---much love b.p

cleaning out my mind again
Tuesday, October 1, 2002 03:16 p.m.

Ok so whats on my mind...I got my senior pictures of me and matt and that made me sad..I wish he was here. And I wish I was getting along with Laura and that I could show her the picture. But Matt is gone and so is she. Anyway I have wonderful friends(thanks for everything mo :), chrissy and janet) so "its all good" but still..Anyway so excited for thursday and saturday..fun times!!! I really hope Donna helps me get a job at Marcs..I really want to see what it is like to have a real part time job..but kinda nervous about it..we'll see. Maybe I'll meet a new guy...Anyway so I don't really like Stagecraft..its not for me..I have this big project..do i know what to do..no!! Anyway, On to the issue of my dad, why exactly has he always been so irresponsible and how will this effect my life?? Only time will tell...So I think I decided I like helping people (dah) and I want to be a councelor b/c I hate work..like in stagecraft I don't understand how people can be so passionate about paint when there are people that need help..why do we waste so much time in life?? and the funny thing is they seem to think of me as lazy?? I guess what we think is important is all in our minds. So I guess people think I'm ok, I like them--unless I think they don't like me (funny how that works) so why don't I fit in that well in my class..Maybe I'm just kind..Maybe..its like even Marie sees that and doesn't want to hurt me..Maybe I'm to fragile to deal with..I don't know. How then might I deal if I work at marcs and someone yells at me..I don't know..So the world is harsh and unkind. Being cold and hard is cool and trying to help is and be kind is dorky. And why do I always help everyone but my family. Maybe its b/c they don't seem to appreciate it or am I just obsessed with feeling loved by everyone. I was so upset when Mr. Cory said the good we do doesn't come back to us..I don't agree..I believe what u put out..comes back to u.."Do you know a sister who is sad lost all that she had, gotta take the time" Ok so I give and neglect myself and get in trouble..is there any justice???? I wonder..I wonder is my body healthy, I worry, I obsess over lists to control my life..but what is the point?? what is the meaning of life?? what is love?? why can't we have what we want?? why can't we express ourselves, why can't we love on all 8 cylinders??? Anyway God help us all.. Ok i'll stop now..thanks for listening..I was just cleaning out my mind....feels better now.. peace out..cya..barb..

I HATE MY PARENTS
Wednesday, September 25, 2002 05:46 p.m.

OMG..I HATE THEM SO MUCH. I SWEAR IF I DIDN'T HAVE A BLOG I BE BREAKING SOMETHING RIGHT NOW. OK SO MY MOM IS GOING TO THIS MEETING THING TONIGHT SO I WAS TRYING TO BE MORE HELPFUL TODAY AND I WANTED TO TELL HER ABOUT MY A ON SUMMER READING AND THAT I CLEANED OUT MY CAR ETC, ETC SO I WRITE HER A LITTLE NOTE..LIKE HEY OK SO I CAME HOME AND LAID ON THE COUCH AND DIDN'T TAKE THE DOGS OUT BUT TODAY I'M GETTING SOME STUFF DONE..BUT SHE STARTS YELLING AND RIPS UP THE NOTE, THEN I WAS LIKE "CAN U GET MY PROGRESS REPORT WHILE YOUR THERE" AND SHE'S LIKE "I DON'T CARE HOW YOUR DOING..NO..AND THIS IS THE LAST THING I DO FOR U AND I'M NOT PAYING FOR ANYTHING, YOUR SO MESSY, I'M NOT HELPING YOU WITH ANYTHING FOR COLLEGE, AND YOU AND YOUR FATHER WILL BE ON YOUR OWN AND YOUR JUST BEING GOOD TODAY B/C U NEED SOMETHING" I NEED MY FAMILY..OMG..WHY DO THEY SUCK SO MUCH..IT WAS ONE DAY AND YOUR SAID I COULD GO..OMG..MAYBE THINGS WILL GET BETTER..I HOPE..

Wednesday, September 25, 2002 10:26 a.m.

Ok so I am on ILT and I don't like ILT's b/c i have to decide what to do and I always have 100 things to do but don't know what to do..and for some reason my aol(at school) is acting up so if your good at computers please talk to me--i'll ask sister anne..Anyway stress..I got yelled at yesterday for not taking the dogs out..sorry mom. Why am I so unorganized, why do I dissapoint people and why is everything so stressful adn feel so out of control all the time..ok well I had fun yesterday :) so i'll just be thankful...peace out..lov ya

Happy Times
Tuesday, September 24, 2002 03:29 p.m.

Hey all,
Just want to say my friends rock!!! I love you all so much, we have so much fun!!! I am so excited about fall fling but is Greg Mr. "I love you and would love to take you to your dance????" Is he going to take me??? worried... So excited about college..(must schedule visits) Will it be Spring Hill, John Carroll, Un. of Scranton, LeMoyne, Canisus(sp), or St. Joseph....who will take me?? who will I like? Shall I be a teacher or a psychologist? ...worried.. So excited about Mo's b-day!! fun times :)Last night I was thinking about my goals for the year..college, dances, grades--I hope my grade in stagecraft is ok--very thankful for my other 3 good grades, service club, St. Helens Edge team,friends, making a difference etc. Ok so I think I am slowly getting over 2 certain someones (mo knows who I am talking about) and I wish Matt was here..but God has a plan. I am worried about my dad's company..but my mother will save us, as always. I wish her luck as she goes to get her new job, but i hope it won't stress her out to much. And as far as the box, I think I have comes to terms with it but it won't be super easy forever. So to everyone and your box, we love you and so does God..don't let your box fuck you over. Ok well I love to talk but I think I need to stop. So "Do you know a man whos needing a hand..don't you walk on by"..Jaci Valazcez Peace out Love ya.. p.s mo I love talking on the phone to ya--your the best..and chrissy you are the most fun..and janet your are the sweetest and laura and linda--so happy your here..bye :)

forgiveness
Sunday, September 15, 2002 11:28 a.m.

Ok so I just read mo's pitas log for the 1st time (lol) Mo just want to make sure you know that I am thankful that you listened and that I was just acting crazy that night. I would also like to share with anyone that reads this that today in church, besides sitting next to the hottest guy i have ever seen in my whole entire life, the theme was forgivness--"How do we expect God and others to forgive us for our wrongdoings, if we don't forgive others" I truely believe the good we put out in the world comes back to us. We all make like 30 zillion mistakes a day and people forgive us so like the movie "Pay it Forward" we need to pay it forward. It is so hard though!!! but the right thing, never feels good or right. I think the way it works is that when we do something good for someone, somehow it is noted by God and then it was come back to us in some form some day and the same goes with bad things. I am trying desperatly to forgive my mother for being so damm critical and for what I feel like was unloving and unappreciative---all these years and to forgive my dad for all hes done.Laura and I seem to have forgiven eachother, mo forgave me and so did chrissy. But fuck were all trying the best we can and life is so short--if we died tommarrow what would God in Heaven think about our complete lack of forgiveness and understanding. The pain and bitterness just blackens our hearts..how can we really love someone when our hearts are clouded with hate..its like trying to reach out your hands to help someone when your two hands are full of bundles of bombs. Fuck "Remove the damm log in your own eye before you yell at your neighbor about the splinter in his eye" Please just take a moment to think about that..but fuck who am I kidding if I was really hurt--raped or something could I really forgive??? I don't know......Anyway this is devoted to Janet, pat,chrissy,matt(who also taught me the meaning of forgiveness through example--I will not let your spirit die baby) the countries fighting in the middle east, the 9/11 bombers, the n.y families, abused children, and all those in pain or full of hatred......peace out--love always barbara

thanks
Wednesday, September 11, 2002 11:19 a.m.

Its 9/11 so let me take a sec. to say--- Shout out to all the people I love--thank you for being in my life--please know how much you mean to me--especially--mo, chrissy,my parents and matt's family... ------May matt rest in peace

Tuesday, September 10, 2002 03:22 p.m.

Hey so I have a big test so I need to clear my mind. First off why is there so much pain in the world? Why do we keep all this pain in little boxes? Why, if we open these boxes are we judged and ridiculed? I guess all I can do is be kind and try to brighten others lives b/c this appears to be just about the only gift God gave me. My mom is always telling me all that is wrong with me--I'm not neat, studious, responsible, organized, mature or hardworking. Well I don't understand why parents only tell there kids what they are not good at when instead they should try to encourage and expand their kids gifts. God made each one of us to do another job--Tell that one to my mom. I tried for so many years to make her happy, but I stopped last year and I feel bad. However it doesn't matter b/c no matter how hard I tried it wasn't ever good enough--I have to learn to be/like myself. I think I may make a good psychologist. I love people and trying to aleviate the pain in the world but how might I, when I have such a selfish uncaring side as well as a side whose greatest desire is to help. I guess I am the Gemini (the twins). I have so much on my mind--who will I go to fall fling with?, why did matt die?, why is my mom being so bitchy about me getting another job?, why did my mom tell me "I am such a sixth grader?" How will I survive college?--where do I want to go?--It would be so fun to go to John Carroll with Monia :)Will I ever feel equal to people my age? Will I find another special boyfriend like Matt? Which I do feel like I kinda acted like a spoiled princess with him--who else will put up with me? Janet I am sorry about the whole sean thing--the hardest thing in the world is to love someone who doesn't love you--especially if they led you on to think they might love you too or if they did love you at one point. (Only God knows about my issue with that)And Monia--May God show you your beauty and grant you peace. We are all struggling but we will figure it out (somehow/someday)God help us all-- Shout out to my buds--what would I do without you? Peace, love and harmony--thanks for listening--love ya--barb "The Lord is my shepherd, what shall I fear"

So happy not to be upset.....
Sunday, September 8, 2002 01:35 p.m.

Hey to janet--thanks :) You know what i'm talking about :)

The thoughts of Barb
Saturday, September 7, 2002 04:19 p.m.

Hey to anyone whose reading this..I'm finally updating this thingee..WARNING:all the info on this page may not be happy (lol) Anyway so I feel so Depressed right now..someone remind me what the f***ing point of life is. I was having such a totally awesome day yesterday. I was so happy to be getting along with my friend Laura and going out with some good friends for the evening. Then I met Wayne and realized that I miss Matt so much and I prayed so long for a special guy and I found him and he's gone. I feel so alone, finding someone new is not going to be easy but I do wonder what Wayne thought of me?? I was thinking about getting a job, like at Monia's aunt's Burger King but I don't know--I wait for God to send me someone but I can't find him if I don't look. And why did Janet call me stupid yesterday? and why do I feel so upset about it? And why does everyone always talk so badly about Chrissy (including me sometimes) We are all f***ed up messes who are trying the best we can. Did I love Matt? I don't know but I sure miss him. And what is love? And why when there is 90 zillion people on the planet why do so many of us walk along side our soul mate and not know. What is the f***ing plan God, give us a clue because were all about to lose our minds. Anyway so people are starving in Africa, people work for 39 cents in Honduras and chidren in India are sold to be chained to looms but I have everything or do I? I don't feel like doing anything and were all upset about something, all the time. Why? I don't know but I am thankful for all my blessings and gifts--knowing Matt and his family, my dear friends and family (especially Monia and my mom) , all my nice things etc. And why does my mom always complain about everything--yes I know how many miles are on my car and that my things are a mess. I feel so bored and trapped so wanting to grow up so unsure how to. Lord help us all.... Please. I can't stand school--what will I do with my days and my life. Who am I? Do I know? Why is that everytime I seem to fall in love with someone--it is part of a fantasy that will never come true. People say love is the best feeling in the world--ya sure..i'm waiting. I'm waiting for a better day--will it ever come? I will hold on with faith and I will look back on my life and see the valleys and hills and know that it will. Anyway sorry for the rambling--I just wanted to think outloud. Peace out..thanks for listening..love ya Barbara

Sunday, September 1, 2002 04:58 p.m.

Hello everyone-- This is my 1st entry. I would like to dedicate this to some special people. First off--my dear boyfriend Matt who recently passed away--We all loved ya honey and we'll miss ya. Second to his family and friends--May God be with you. Third to my dear friends Monia, Chrissy and Janet--what would I do without you--thank you for your support. Ok so we don't understand why anything happens but I guess all we can do is keep faith "Thou he fall he shall not be utterly cast down for the Lord upholdeth him with His hand." Psalm 37:24. Peace Out Love ya all barbara